by Barbara Fane, LCSW, BCD
2025
Our dictionary describes grief as deep distress caused by the death or loss of someone or something with which you have an emotional bond. Grief is a complex emotion, both intense and complicated. It’s also a process.
Grief can affect our lives differently. Losing pets, homes, jobs, loss of money, natural disasters — all these and more can cause upheaval and sadness in our lives.
It’s also no secret that men and women process thoughts and feelings differently when experiencing similar circumstances, grief included. How so? Let’s consider 7 ways women and men handle these variances.
1. Acceptance
Women may find it overwhelming to accept the reality of what has happened and act in denial. Oftentimes, women intertwine certain relationships with their sense of self, especially with their children, spouse, siblings, or parents. If they lose that relationship, they may have trouble believing the loss happened, or even deny it altogether.
Men may respond oppositely, believing it’s over and they must move on. While it may seem insensitive, this is how some men need to react emotionally, even temporarily.
2. Coping
Overwhelming despair can cause a feeling of tremendous emotional instability in women. The term “breakdown” is accurate and can be a part of grieving. Hopefully, this situation is temporary, and a sound support system will help someone attain a more stable pattern. Grief Counseling and sometimes a temporary medication regimen can be helpful in some cases.
Men tend to feel a need to take charge and handle life with control and a firm attitude as a coping mechanism. Examples are making funeral arrangements, speaking with insurance companies, or informing family and friends.
3. Guilt
Regret or guilt about what they did or didn’t do is common among women. They often take responsibility for things out of their control and feel certain they could have prevented the incident or death.
Men may respond similarly in this situation, but often compartmentalize their feelings to manage the problem.
4. Relief
Guilty feelings for being relieved when a person dies after a long and problematic illness are another trigger. A woman will become self-critical for fear of expressing inappropriate feelings.
In this situation, a man may cry and feel distraught that the person has died, but he will not feel guilty for feeling relieved.
5. Anger
While every loss is unique, women tend to display less anger in their grieving process.
Men more often display anger. It is the physician’s mistake, the negligent driver, and the poor timing of the storm that has caused this terrible loss. Men need to hold someone accountable for the injustice.
6. Fear
Fear or even mild paranoia is a typical expression for women while grieving. What will happen? Are we safe? What will I do without so and so? Can I do this? Surprisingly, this thought process has similar properties to a man’s need to take charge, as mentioned previously.
Although seemingly fearful, a woman thinks about what she needs to do to function in the future.
Unless an act of violence took place when they were present, men do not generally feel fear during grief.
7. Physical Symptoms
Women will sometimes internalize their grief and become physically ill. They have no appetite, sleep too much or too little, suffer headaches, nausea, and other physical ailments.
This occurs in men, but more often than not, even if they are not feeling well, they will not mention it or deny that their feelings are the cause.
Whether it is due to women and mens’ brains being wired to respond differently or how family dynamics may play a part in a man behaving stoically as opposed to a woman seemingly incapable to cope, grief is a necessary part of the healing process for both sexes to overcome their losses and move on with their lives.
BARBARA FANE, LCSW, BCD
THERAPY and COUNSELING SERVICES
(732) 741-1333