Most parents have invested a lot of time and energy toward helping their children grow into adults. Your parents’ happiness is intricately tied up in your own. It’s likely that their ideas about who you are connect to how they view themselves, and their own lives. As a result, the revelation that their child is gay can be a shock, even for people who believe being gay is a perfectly natural form of sexuality.
Although coming out to your parents can be a hurdle, your parent’s understanding is often an essential ingredient to your sense of peace. If disclosing your sexual preference by coming out to your family is something you know you need to do, how can you best approach a conversation likely to be sensitive and difficult?
Fortunately, there are ways to make the tough talk easier.
1. Be sure
For parents who are uncomfortable talking about sexuality, uncertainty on your part can make it even harder for your parents to understand what you’re going through. Instead of saying, “I think I’m gay,” or “I could be gay,” tell your parents you are gay. If you don’t sound confident, it’s easier for parents to dismiss your feelings as a temporary stage.
It’s important for you to be comfortable with yourself when you tell your parents. If your coming out is a total surprise, your parents might react emotionally, saying hurtful things they don’t necessarily mean. When you know and like who you are, the anger and disappointment of others is less likely to create lasting emotional wounds.
2. Consider your timing
Whether you’re in a heated argument with your parents, or you simply want to relieve the weight of your secret as quickly as possible, it’s best to wait for a time when your parents are most likely to really listen.
If you’re home for the holidays, talk to them when most of the excitement has died down. If your parents are especially busy at work, or are dealing with the loss of a loved one, plan a time to sit down when they might be more emotionally available. Mental clarity will make this new information easier for you and your parents.
3. Have a support network
In the event that your coming out doesn’t go as smoothly as you would like, it’s important to know you have people to fall back on. Talking with friends about telling your parents before, and after the actual conversation, can help you feel accepted, no matter what your parents’ reaction.
4. Prepare for the aftermath of your coming out
Like any major decision, coming out to your parents is an event that requires emotional and practical preparation. If you are financially dependent upon your parents, having a solid back-up plan will help calm your nerves when it comes time to open up about your sexuality.
No two parents react in the same way to the news that their son or daughter is gay. Try to anticipate a variety of possible responses. By keeping your expectations open, you can help your parents cope in ways that are best suited to them. Talking to others who have been through the same experience can help a confused parent come to terms more quickly; have contact information for support groups or counselors available for your parents.
5. Know that regardless of their initial response, your parents still love you
Remember that your parents will hear what you’re saying with a lifetime of preconceived ideas about sexuality ringing in their ears. A parent who reacts with fear, anger, or hurt does not understand being gay the way you do. Emotions can override rationality, and conceal the real and deep affection your parents have for you as their child. Give angry parents time to get to know you again.
If you feel the time has come for you to come out to your parents but you’re confused or have questions about it, contact me. In a friendly, comfortable environment, we can discuss your concerns and the find the answers to your questions. Together we can work to make your conversation with your parents go as smoothly as possible.